Throat Slitters & Skull Splitters

I've been a bit of a knife perv for many, many years. No knife too big, to small or...especially...too sharp. It's absolutely true that a good knife will do half the work for you. But only if you actually have the knife skills to go with your knife, and as it is with anything else; you buy cheap, you get crap. Pure and simple. Here are a few of my favs:

One of my absolute favs. A dedicated "throat slitter" from the looks of it and the Viking/Celtic artwork on the blade doesn't make it look any more friendly.

Your pinky through the hole to improve the grip on the handle and ensure nothing slips, halfway around the neck. This is functional design, but no cheap Ikea shit.

Ok, this gun-slinger is made of Serbian steel and like all my other knives, it's one sharp son-of-a-bitch and that's how I like it. A dull knife is useless.

A Chef's knife with a beautifully curved and decorated blade and if you are dumb enough to show off, stick your index finger through the hole and give it a swirl. Just don't come to me and whine when you take three fingers off, trying to catch the handle instead of the blade.

This is what I lovingly call me "repo knife". Originally bought for my daughter who just never shared my passion for "dangerous and scary weapons", and maybe that's a good thing?

This Chef's knife is never really used much, but bought initially for the beautiful design, wooden handle and the beautiful blade. Sharp? You betcha. Almost as sharp as my tongue is, on occation.

A gift from my gorgeous, beautiful wife (I hope she reads this), who have learned to accept my "knife perversions", and so she got me this German Grandmaster Chef's knife, because we all know that German people are a pain in the ass to work with, but the shit they make in Germany - like knives - is rarely surpassed in terms of quality

Only one country on Earth makes better knives than Germany, and this is where this one (set) was picked up, on a trip to Osaka, curtesey of the Shinkansen (bullet train). Another gift from my wife and daughter - they know how to make Daddy happy.

Japanese knives are typically forged from a different kind/combination of steel, which makes them ultra sharp, but also more brittle. Be careful with Japanese knives.

Ok, these are not kitchen knives. These are throwing knives, for when I need to "get it out of my system".

I'll go to the backyard, lean my large particle board agains the giant red cedars and then attached a large picture of whoever I think deserve the attention...and then it's a free for all. Forehead, eyeball, throat. Any place is a good place. And then I go back and continue my life as an exemplary Canadian citizen.

Ok, this one is not from the jungle gym. It's not a bush-wacker or a trail-blazer and not a third-world leg hacker, either. It's a first-world pizza knife, and trust me, it has been used...a lot.

I actually take pride in being able to do anything, or at least as much as possible, in the kitchen, by hand, but those few gadgets I do have, are high quality, and this one is no exception. Buy good quality, and you will only need to buy one, your entire life...if you take are of it.

The Serbian Chef's knife, you saw above. I previously had a Chinese shit cleaver, and then I got this one. What a difference!!! This one can probably amputate a horse leg in one chop. This one is a dream to work with. I make a lot of bone broth for multiple reasons, and I barely have to look at the bones; when they see my Serbian cleaver, they split up and disappear in all directions, all by themselves. This one is a gem, a joy to work with and an investment that has paid off ten-fold already.

The smaller version of the Serbian Chef's knife from above and because my gorgeous, beautiful wife and daughter has been so kind to me, this one is now the property of my wife.

It's a little shorter, lighter and easier to handle for women that are "not 200 lbs and muscular built". It's perfect for them. Still really sharp and I know my wife; it will be taken very well care of, so I bow to her with gratitude and respect and hand it to her with both arms outstretched.

The complete "repo" set. Walnut handle, beautifully oiled like you do with all natural wood products, prior to use, including your wooden cutting boards (the only kind you want). People like to throw fancy names around because they think they look smarter that way. "The empty barrels are the loudest ones". All you need is a good quality pairing knife, vegetable knife and Chef's knife.

My very first "decent" knife set was from Ikea and that was the one that really hooked me. It's very well used by now, but you don't throw out your first love, just because she's starting to get a little older and wrinkles appear, do you?

This pairing knife, fillet knife, Chef's knife (Sr.), vegetable knife and Jr. Chef's knife (L-R) are clearly showing signs of wear and tear, but I take pride in that.

No talk of knives without mentioning cutring boards, but I'll make it ultra short since I only got a few lines:

Absolutely nothing but one-piece, untreated softwood, and there is obviously a reason for that. Ask me why and I shall give you all the details.

It's absolutely essential you oil your untreated board prior to use, and let it absorb the oil and then repeat the process. Otherwise you will stain your board on very first use and you will cry snot forever after, if you have any decency and respect. That's right; it was my wife who gave me wood...literally and physically.

Ok, so let's finish off with this one: Once you got your pairing knife, your veggie knife and your Chef's knife, the only knife you really need is a quality bread knife. Mine - the one you see here - is nearly 35 years old and in mint condition and as sharp as any Chef's knife.

You want a long blade, because a bread knife is a saw, not an axe. Mine is a 35/15, meaning 35 cm blade and 15 cm hande, so, 50 cm in total.

Keep it sharp. Get the right tools to sharpen it or have it done professionally...or you will destroy your investment in no time. Then you apply light pressure when you use it in a sawing motion...very light...and your slices come out perfect. You can even slice your bread straight out of the oven, when hot, if your pressure is light enough and your sawing motion repeated enough.

I thought I was done and then I noticed that I mentioned "proper tools", so here we go: The "sharpening" steel, as it is called in English, only goes to show how uneducated people are, as it doesn't sharpen anything. It maintains the edge on your knife (if you use it properly and it's already sharp), but it will never, ever make dull knives sharp. The only thing that will make a dull knife sharp, it a whetstone (and no, the "H" is not a mistake). But using a straight steel or whetstone on a serated knife (i.e. bread knife) will rip the micro-serations of your serated knife in no time, and destroy your knife. If you sharpen your serated knife yourself, you want a tapering (pointy - top left of picture) steel or whetstone and go through all the serations one at a time, every single one of them, in a motion from the spine of the blade to the edge. No other directions. Same goes for straight edge knives like a Chef's knife; from the spine of the blade to the edge - only direction. If you don't know what you are doing, educate yourself or get a professional to do it, or you will destroy your knife.

My decades old whetstone. You can see the two grades and if you use the coarse one at all, make sure you finish off with the fine grade...unless you want to end up with a chainsaw in your hand. Personally, I would reccommend using only the fine grade. Yes, it will take you a minute or two longer, but you can control the rip on the blade, it's easier to get a good result and you will be a lot happier with your knife. How to use it? Submerge it in water for 10 minute or until it stops bubbling. Then go through the motions as described above (spine to edge, only), until desired sharpness obtained. Then clean it and let it dry out before next use.