At (nearly) 62 I have reached the point where I just want to disassociate from this world and it's people. People - and by "people" I primarily mean adults -, to me, have become a communicable disease to whom you want to minimize your exposure, and when you do end up exposing yourself to them, you really want to wear protective equipment. Your PPE. Sometimes we all feel the need for contact. After all, we're only human. But just like you don't want to expose yourself to diseases, I much prefer a very limited contact with other people, as well. Life is simply better when on your own. Sporadic contact is unavoidable, but nothing sustainable, deep or long lasting, please. It's sad it has to be this way, but take it as a lesson in cause and effect, accumulated over 60 years of interactions.
If not for current obligations to wife and daughter, I'd be happy to live as a hermit in a hard to reach location on a local mountain, sustaining myself on clean spring water, what I could hunt and kill, scavenge, what mother nature would provide for me. And if that wasn't enough, a little thieving from the rich, down in the valley, would almost be justifiable, the way I see it. They're part of the reason I'm up here, anyway. Not the entire reason. Just part of it. The big reason is humanity in general. I would opt out of society in large part. Go off grid, except for that sporadic interaction I mentioned before. Prolonged exposure to people - humanity in general - will poison your mind and your soul.
At this stage of life, at this point in time, I feel like a complete misfit. An outcast who just doesn't fit into the square box other people live in and can't see beyond, and I think I have identified "my"..."problem": I see the big picture. I have life expereince, skills, education and common sense. I'm not selfish enough, not narcisistic enough, and I don't value money to the point where they rule my life. And I'm not pretentious enough, either. All of that, pluse a few items more, means that I just don't fit into the orbit that other people move in. Life is not easy if you are a well balanced individual who actually think about things. But perhaps it's even harder if you are on the other end of the spectrum? I don't know. I'm not there.
So what fuels this...disassociation desire? Well, for starters, I am just happier when I am not around people. Happier alone. Keep in mind there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Happier when there is nobody around to poison my mood with their stupidity, selfishness and narrow minded, draconian ways of thinking. Their prejudisms. I'm starting to wonder if DNA plays a role here? Are certain people just more or better suited to being alone than others are? Are certain people more in need of "validation" than others? Certainly some..a lot...of people are more power hungry than others. Do we become "attention whores" by natural means, or is it a disease that we develope ourselves, over the years?
When the girls go "home" to visit family and friends in the old country, I am truly happy for them, because I know they are enjoying themselves and having fun. I quiver and cringe when they first suggest I go with them, because as much as I absolutely love that country (to visit), I break out in a rash by the thought of dealing with the family, to whom I was never good enough (they think very highly of themselves) from the beginning, and truth remains that I am very happy indeed, being left behind after taking them to the airport. I can isolate myself all day, except when going to work, and even that (going to work) I have found the perfect way of dealing with. I can do my food thing, my photography thing, all by myself, without being interrupted, and I still have a good chunk of time to read my beloved books. I have come to the conclusion that I was meant to be alone, but life didn't quite turn out that way and now I'm trying to compensate for that by finding my little "pockets of space" whenever possible.
Now, I know I'm far from alone in this desire to be alone. And most people would have some level of understanding of, or agreement with, my position. Every psychologist will tell you about the importance of "alone time". Even the importance of being bored, whenever you have the chance of that (as if). How do I know? Because I have people commenting on "how lucky" I am and plenty of books are written about it. Even if they are fiction, which is not always the case, it means that the writer has toyed with the idea and clearly fancied it. Am I anti social? Well, to some extend I probably am. That would depend on your definition, I suppose, and what kind of yard stick you use to measure with. To other extends, I am highly social. Everything in life is a matter of balance. At least to me. And maybe that's the problem in a nut shell. The level of valuable interaction. "Valuable" is the key word, here. Valuable to me, means heart to heart, calm and fact based, quality oriented. And that's very hard to find in this day and age. So, I'll keep my eyes open for a suitable place on the mountain, where I can finish off day last days, as a hermit. Eventually disintegrate and become a growing medium for a tall, proud western cedar or spruce.
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